Losing people you love ...

Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, 
deep hole of ache. It doesn't magically go away, 
even when you stop officially mourning.

~~~ Carrie Jones

Losing Mami really affects me a lot more then I expected.
I suppose me not being there when she went away forever.
And me being here not being there with my siblings.
I should be moving on. That what they said ... moved on.
How can I explain the deep hole of ache inside me since Mami gone?
Sometimes I think of her as if she is still here with me and us.
Just yesterday I thought of her frying me some bananas.
I suppose that is just a memory. But it was so real. I can smell the cooking oil.
I can hear the bananas getting fried.
She will be boiling some water too. To make coffee.
We love our fried bananas with hot sweet strong coffee in the afternoon.
I love you Mami. I am sorry you are no longer with us on earth.
I am missing you still somehow terrible.
Suppose I will remembered all the good times we had.
All the peasant recipes you made for us while we were young and innocent.
All the fun silly laughter we had.
Suppose I remembered all those ...
Suppose you never leaves, you are still here and smiling,
Yes I can see you smiling. You have the most honest smile I ever saw.
I am glad I remembered you smiling.
It make my heart sing and I don't feel too sad for now.
It is hard losing you. We all have to keep moving on.
Just know this ..
You are very much loved, Mami
We didn't lose you in our heart. You are always our Mami.
I love you, Mami.



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