MyHappyCountryFarm

Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big,  deep hole of ache. It doesn't magically go away,  even when you stop officially mourning. ~~~ Carrie Jones Losing Mami really affects me a lot more then I expected. I suppose me not being there when she went away forever. And me being here not being there with my siblings. I should be moving on. That what they said ... moved on. How can I explain the deep hole of ache inside me since Mami gone? Sometimes I think of her as if she is still here with me and us. Just yesterday I thought of her frying me some bananas. I suppose that is just a memory. But it was so real. I can smell the cooking oil. I can hear the bananas getting fried. She will be boiling some water too. To make coffee. We love our fried bananas with hot sweet strong coffee in the afternoon. I love you Mami. I am sorry you are no longer with us on earth. I am missing you still somehow terrible....

"Its has been said, `times heals all wounds`, I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~~ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy That is what they said to me when I left to go home. "Times will heals your wounds" It was a very painful wound. Very very painful. I suppose after three months ... the pain getting lessens. I am missing you Mami. I missing you somehow terrible. I remembered when we were young you always make us pancake for breakfast. We call them `martabak` .. yes the same word as the Indian Pancake in town. But your martabak is soft and sweet.  Then you make us a pot of hot and sweet coffee. Can you imagine the brain damage you have done to us for letting us drinking coffee at that young age? But we don't have any other drink. Well we have tea of course but we love your coffee, Mami. Coffee with fresh homemade `martabak` is real...

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream. -- Euripides I wish I could tell her to come back. I misses her. She is gone. I thought she will be with us "forever". May be not forever but longer. Sometimes I wish I could ask her to come back. Even just as a shadow or as a dream .... but it was a final goodbye in December. She will never come back. Did you bid final goodbye to anyone or anything last year?